Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints... --
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Customer complaints about Condom
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
Wife cheating on the Husband
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".Teacher: u know the importance of period?
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Chinese man and Loan oficer
A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the bank’s employees then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The Chinese man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the bank’s employees then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The Chinese man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Jesus and Satan
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God the Father as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They are given the task, and began to type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan indignantly protests, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life with a vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Satan, when are you going to learn ...Jesus saves!"
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They are given the task, and began to type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan indignantly protests, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life with a vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Satan, when are you going to learn ...Jesus saves!"
Mother teresa and Bush
Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of
St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clock behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said Rumsfeld.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.
"Bush's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clock behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said Rumsfeld.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.
"Bush's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Monday, December 22, 2008
Musharraf and Bush
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th Sept:
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great building... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that...
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's Eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great building... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that...
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's Eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!
The Mafia Godfather and The deaf Shopkeeper
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has stolen ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf.
It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, readies it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, readies it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
who is brilliant an engineer or a doctor ??
7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE toMumbai. So they both gather at Pune Station. Bothgroups are desperately trying to prove theirsuperiority.
SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI) :
7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7tickets.. Doctors are desperately waiting for TC tocome...... When TC arrives, All 7 Engineers get in onetoilet SO when TC knocks , one hand come out with theticket and the TC goes away....Doctors say "Dekhlenge"
SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA) :
Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we tooare equally SHAANE"....All 7 Doctors take 1 TicketEngineers don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!..TCarrives....ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THEOPPOSITE ONE..One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctorstoilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes theticket and comes in engg Bathroom...
SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI) :
7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7tickets.. Doctors are desperately waiting for TC tocome...... When TC arrives, All 7 Engineers get in onetoilet SO when TC knocks , one hand come out with theticket and the TC goes away....Doctors say "Dekhlenge"
SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA) :
Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we tooare equally SHAANE"....All 7 Doctors take 1 TicketEngineers don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!..TCarrives....ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THEOPPOSITE ONE..One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctorstoilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes theticket and comes in engg Bathroom...
Saturday, December 20, 2008
HIV+
Answering Machine:Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine?"Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love. '"Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
one weekend
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is."Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
PURCHASING NEW BRAINS
A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points. After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate. "That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive." "Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain, for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politician's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars." "Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politician's brain? Why on earth is that?" "Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians we have to kill?"
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