Triplets

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies are okay.

The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in, because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one of the daughters walks into the room in tears.

"what's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was peeing and this bullet came out." replies the daughter.

The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was peeing and this bullet came out."

Again the mother tell her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mother, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out."

"No" says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the Dog."

Manager Advice

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.

He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes"

Jewish Business

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted, “Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK, OK” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead… “Your f***ing brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

Last Name

My daughter called me at work to say I received a call from "Josh" at the bank regarding my account. So, I called my
bank and the operator asked me what Josh's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't know. 

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me rather sharply. So I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said. "And your last name?" I asked.  

"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give last names." 

Manager Letter

While working with Mr. Murthy, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
idling or gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chit-chatting in the cafeteria. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Murthy should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent as soon as possible.

Sd/-
Branch Manager

PS: MR. MURTHY WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THIS REPORT EARLIER
TODAY. KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATE LINES 1,3,5... FOR MY
TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.

REGARDS

Sd/-
Branch Manager

The Devil's Offer

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.

"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said.

"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

Unreasonable bill

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:

"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00."