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Saturday, September 27, 2008

Best Break-Up Letter Ever

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from
his girlfriend back home.

It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us
is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,
since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.


Love,
Becky..............


The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or
ex-girlfriends.

In addition
to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other
pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57
photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to
me.
Take Care,
Ricky

Several men in the Locker Room

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$65,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing The house we wanted last
year is back on the market.They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000"

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are looking at him inastonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is???"

Sunday, September 21, 2008

A Rabbit

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel So good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! ... Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little fucker! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he is on ecstasy!"

Man And His Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Man Crying

A man placed some flowerson the grave of his dearly parted motherand started back toward his carwhen his attention was divertedto another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensityand kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die?Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said,"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,but this demonstration of pain in ismore than I've ever seen before.For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself,then replied"My wife's first husband."

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Gujju...funeral!!!

A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead
mother arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters. The
dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space
left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top
addressed to her brothers and sisters:


Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsa,

I am sending Mother's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be
cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I
could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside
the coffin, under Mother's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler
chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you. On Mother's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are
correct.
Mother is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just
distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Mother's is
wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Mother's left
wrist.
Shanta masi, Mother is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you
asked for. Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Motheris wearing must be divided among my
nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.

Love Smita

PS: And if anything more required let me know soon as father is also
not feeling too well nowadays...:D

the cursed prince......!!!

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.(This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her.
Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily,"My darling,I love you! Will you marry me?"And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said:



......Well, guess what she said ..........








...........well, she said..............







"Pardon?"

Thursday, September 11, 2008

John Needs A Job

John needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell John that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.Well, the guy has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.During one such acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and says, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

Two Guys Sitting On A Bar

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool.
One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

The Blonde

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on."I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I Like The Way You Think

Teacher(to Peter) : If there are three birds sitting on a branch and you shoot one how many do you have left?

Peter: You will have none, because when you fire, one dies and the others fly off.

Teacher: The answer is two, but i like the way you think!

Peter(to the teacher): Answer me this. There are three women eating ice cream. One is licking it, one is sucking it and the other is biting it. Which one of the three is
married?

Teacher(thinks about it and after a bit answers): Ummm, i think the answer is the woman who is sucking it.

Peter: Actually, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!:

Guy Goes Over Friend's House

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Monday, September 8, 2008

TWO STUDENTS MISS A FINAL EXAM

Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the University of Virginia to party with some friends.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virginia for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be an easy final". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tyre?

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Letter to the Widow

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally Typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the mail. Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 16 May 2002
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.I've justreached and have been checked in. I see that everything has beenprepared foryour arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Your Loving Husband

My Ears

A dum guy with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.""Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?""The scoundrel called back."

Mean/Clever Woman

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, She would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down,and then rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't foolenough to put allthat money in there with your husband?" The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him?" "You mean to Tell meyouput that money in the casket with him!!!!? "I sure did" said the wife. "I got itall together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cashit, he can spend it."

Mind Your Business

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

Trainee

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee....On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:"You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?""No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down....

Thursday, September 4, 2008

They are stopped by the police


John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, will you shut up!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk.

An evil Atheist explorer

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

Getting in an accident


A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.

Just look at our cars.

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.

This must be a sign from God!"

Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.

This must surely be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!

Here's another miracle!

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"

The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

Monday, September 1, 2008

Four Million Iraqis

A guy goes into a bar, sees George Bush and Colin Powell slugging down beers in a dark corner. He walks up to them and says "Aren't you the president and secretary of state?"
Bush says "Yes, I'm George Bush, most powerful man on earth, leader of the free world, and this is Colin Powell."
The guy says "Whacha doin in here?"
Bush says "We're celebrating that the war is gonna start and we're gonna kill 4 million Iraquis and one blonde with big boobs."
The guy says "Kill a blonde with big boobs----why?"
Bush turns to Powell and says "See, I told you nobody cares about 4 million Iraquis."

Hearing Problem

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the fifth time, chicken!"