Bend Over

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was involved with someone else.

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you £1000 if you will have sex with me", but the girl said "NO".

Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend said "Ask him for £2000. Pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agreed and accepted the proposal.

Half an hour went by and the boyfriend waited and waited for his girlfriend to call.

Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend called and asked what happened.

She said "The bastard used coins!"

Eighteen Double Vodkas

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.""Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay".
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

A Man In A Bar

Man walks into a bar and asks for a whisky as soon as the bar tender serves him the drink, the man knocks it back in one gulp then askes for another. Again he knocks back the drink, four or five whiskies later the bar tender asks the man why he was drinking so quickly. The man replied 'You would drink quickly if you had what I have'. 'What have you got ?' asked the bar tender. the man replied, ' 50 cents ! '

Good and Bad News

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."
Patient: "Oh no! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??"
Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

Laloo In The Bar

At a Bar in New York, the man to Laloo Yadav's left calls up the bartender and says:"JOHNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
The man's companion says to the bartender:JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."The bartender approaches
Laloo and asks, "What about you sir??
"Laloo Replies:"LALOO YADAV, MARRIED!"

To Loss Weight

The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for300 days, he would loose 34 kilos.
At the end of 300 days,
Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had aproblem."What's the problem?"asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home."

Sardars Planting Trees

A passerby watched two sardarjis in a park.One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them inagain.
'Tell me,' said the passerby, 'What on earth are you doing?
''Well,' said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig thehole, Balwant plants the tree saplings and Gurpreet fills in thehole.
Today Balwant is off, because he is ill, but that doesn't meanGurpreet and I get the day off!

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me."

When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Filipino German Pakistani

Filipino, German, PakistaniA Filipino, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.The Pakistani was next up.
After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Filipino was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from one of most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!""Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,"
the Filipino replied."In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.""Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave."
The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face."If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it."And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheik asked.
Filipino smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!!

Three men

Three men, singaporean, japanese and filipino were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

the singaporean pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly."that was my pager" he said,"i have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang.

The japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he expained,"that was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand.

"The filipino felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.The filipino finally ! Said......."ay dios mio, will you look at that?! I'm getting a fax..."

The Hypnotist Accident

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings.
One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch.
The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor... "Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

Heavens Ugliest Women

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate.
St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in.
The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

students declaratation at the end of da answr papr:

students declaratn@ d end of da answr papr:
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I HEREBY DECLARE DAT D ANSWERS WRITTEN ABOVE ARE TRUE TO DA BEST OF MINE AND MY FRND'S KNOWLEDGE AND I CLAIM NO RESPONSIBILTY WATSOEVER FOR ANY RESEMBLANCE WID DA SUBJECT MATTER AS IT IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL!!!;)

Officer cought speeding

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your license and registration?
Driver: I don't have them. It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license and registration?
Driver: Sure. Here they are.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there's a body in it.Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: HA! Oh boy, that's a good one. I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!

Two men searching for their wife

Two men searching for their lost wives
.1st man: how ur wife look like??
2nd man: tall, beautiful, fair, blue eyes, bold.
What about yours?
1st man: fuck mine let search yours

Santa Singh crying

Banta Singh: (crying) the doctor called, my mother is dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes
Banta Singh cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Banta Singh: my sister just called, her mother died too!

George Bush Answering Questions

President Bush went to a school to interact with the children. After having one brief talk with the children he asked them if they had any question to ask him. One boy raised his hand and stood up.

Bush: Whats your name?
John: John
Bush: Whats your question?
John: Sir, I have three questions.

1. Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2. Where is Osama?
3. Why does America support Pakistan so much?

Bush: You are an intelligent student john...

Just then the bell for recess rang.

Bush: Oh dear students we will continue after the recess is over.

After the recess.

Bush: Ok children where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any questions?

Peter raises his hand.

Bush: Whats your name?
Peter: Sir I have 5 questions.

1. Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2. Where is Osama?
3. Why do America support Pakistan so much?
4. Why did recess bell ring 20 mins before the scheduled time?
5. Where is JOHN?

Turn Off That Light

There was a couple that had been married for 20 years, every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she suddenly turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one." She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain about the toy... but first you explain about the kids... "

I Never Quite Figured Out Why?

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

What Brand Of Condoms Do You Use?

A man is out shopping and discovers a New Brand of Olympic Condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

She asks: "Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?"

"There are three colours" he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze".

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really? Why dont you wear silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

The First Remote Control Ever Invented

An old, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweller that he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something really special for this lovely lady."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The young lady was absolutely ecstatic.

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated," By cheque. Now, I know you need to make sure the cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account!"

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

How Guys Select The Girl They Want To Marry

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of Strong golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.

Then he married the one with the largest breasts!!

Chevrolet: Robot

A frustrated driver needs to figure out how to stop his car before he can start it.