Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints... --
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Customer complaints about Condom
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
Wife cheating on the Husband
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".Teacher: u know the importance of period?
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Chinese man and Loan oficer
A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the bank’s employees then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The Chinese man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the bank’s employees then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The Chinese man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Jesus and Satan
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God the Father as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They are given the task, and began to type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan indignantly protests, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life with a vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Satan, when are you going to learn ...Jesus saves!"
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They are given the task, and began to type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan indignantly protests, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life with a vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Satan, when are you going to learn ...Jesus saves!"
Mother teresa and Bush
Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of
St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clock behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said Rumsfeld.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.
"Bush's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clock behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said Rumsfeld.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.
"Bush's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Monday, December 22, 2008
Musharraf and Bush
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th Sept:
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great building... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that...
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's Eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great building... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that...
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's Eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!
The Mafia Godfather and The deaf Shopkeeper
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has stolen ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf.
It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, readies it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, readies it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
who is brilliant an engineer or a doctor ??
7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE toMumbai. So they both gather at Pune Station. Bothgroups are desperately trying to prove theirsuperiority.
SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI) :
7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7tickets.. Doctors are desperately waiting for TC tocome...... When TC arrives, All 7 Engineers get in onetoilet SO when TC knocks , one hand come out with theticket and the TC goes away....Doctors say "Dekhlenge"
SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA) :
Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we tooare equally SHAANE"....All 7 Doctors take 1 TicketEngineers don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!..TCarrives....ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THEOPPOSITE ONE..One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctorstoilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes theticket and comes in engg Bathroom...
SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI) :
7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7tickets.. Doctors are desperately waiting for TC tocome...... When TC arrives, All 7 Engineers get in onetoilet SO when TC knocks , one hand come out with theticket and the TC goes away....Doctors say "Dekhlenge"
SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA) :
Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we tooare equally SHAANE"....All 7 Doctors take 1 TicketEngineers don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!..TCarrives....ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THEOPPOSITE ONE..One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctorstoilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes theticket and comes in engg Bathroom...
Saturday, December 20, 2008
HIV+
Answering Machine:Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine?"Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love. '"Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
one weekend
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is."Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
PURCHASING NEW BRAINS
A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points. After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate. "That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive." "Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain, for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politician's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars." "Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politician's brain? Why on earth is that?" "Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians we have to kill?"
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
A Punjabi Sardar and a Bengali Babu
A Punjabi Sardar and a Bengali Babu
were talking about their State's patriotic history
during the freedom struggle.
The debate heated up and both ended up claiming that
their state had the maximum number of freedom fighters.
They finally agreed on a method to find
which of the states had more freedom fighters.
Each person would say the name of a freedom fighter
from his state and pull one hair out of his opponents head.
Both of them began earnestly. "Bhagat Singh" said the Sardar
and pulled one hair from the Bengali.
"Netaji" said the Bengali and did the same.
They continued like this for some time,
but soon exhausted all known freedom fighters.
The Bengali, however, was very clever.
He used Sardar's ignorance and reeled off a lot of imaginary names.
The Punjabi was stuck.
He did not know any more Punjabi freedom fighter's name.
He thought deeply for a moment,
jumped on the Bengali's head
and pulled all his hair out shouting -
"JallianWala Bagh".
were talking about their State's patriotic history
during the freedom struggle.
The debate heated up and both ended up claiming that
their state had the maximum number of freedom fighters.
They finally agreed on a method to find
which of the states had more freedom fighters.
Each person would say the name of a freedom fighter
from his state and pull one hair out of his opponents head.
Both of them began earnestly. "Bhagat Singh" said the Sardar
and pulled one hair from the Bengali.
"Netaji" said the Bengali and did the same.
They continued like this for some time,
but soon exhausted all known freedom fighters.
The Bengali, however, was very clever.
He used Sardar's ignorance and reeled off a lot of imaginary names.
The Punjabi was stuck.
He did not know any more Punjabi freedom fighter's name.
He thought deeply for a moment,
jumped on the Bengali's head
and pulled all his hair out shouting -
"JallianWala Bagh".
Santa and Banta
Santa standing on platform
suddenly jumps on the railway track.
Banta: Santa u'll die.
Santa: U'll die bcoz haven't u heard
train is coming on platform?
suddenly jumps on the railway track.
Banta: Santa u'll die.
Santa: U'll die bcoz haven't u heard
train is coming on platform?
A farmer and his wife
A farmer and his wife went to a fair.
The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes
and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.
"That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said,
"I'll make you a deal.
If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes
without uttering a sound,
the ride will be free.
But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went
for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer,
"I want to congratulate you
for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya,
I almost screamed when my wife fell out.
The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes
and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.
"That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said,
"I'll make you a deal.
If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes
without uttering a sound,
the ride will be free.
But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went
for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer,
"I want to congratulate you
for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya,
I almost screamed when my wife fell out.
Makes rhymes
good one'z;)
@tp
A grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make rhymes with their names. First up was Dan. A very adventurous child.
"My name is Dan,
When I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to India and Japan ,
If I can, If I can, If I can.
" "Very good", the teacher said to Dan. She then asked Sally that it was now her turn.
"My name is Sally,
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby
If I can, if I can, if I can.
" "That is good Sally," the teacher said. "But maybe one day you will change your mind." Next up was Glenn. He was the naughty one in the class. Here is his rhyme:
"My name is Glenn,
When I grow up to be a man,
Never mind India and Japan ,
I'm gonna help Sally with her plan,
I know I can, I can, I can. " :P :D
@tp
A grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make rhymes with their names. First up was Dan. A very adventurous child.
"My name is Dan,
When I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to India and Japan ,
If I can, If I can, If I can.
" "Very good", the teacher said to Dan. She then asked Sally that it was now her turn.
"My name is Sally,
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby
If I can, if I can, if I can.
" "That is good Sally," the teacher said. "But maybe one day you will change your mind." Next up was Glenn. He was the naughty one in the class. Here is his rhyme:
"My name is Glenn,
When I grow up to be a man,
Never mind India and Japan ,
I'm gonna help Sally with her plan,
I know I can, I can, I can. " :P :D
Stages of Man. ..
Stages of Man. ..
Stages of Man. ..
Before Finding a Girl - *Spiderman.... *
After Finding his Girl - *Superman....*
After the Engagement - *Gentleman.... *
After the Marriage - *Watchman....*
10 years After Marriage -*Doberman*.
Before Finding a Girl - *Spiderman.... *
After Finding his Girl - *Superman....*
After the Engagement - *Gentleman.... *
After the Marriage - *Watchman....*
10 years After Marriage -*Doberman*.
a=b b=c a=c
a=b b=c a=c
Math Teacher: If a=b and b=c then a=c, now give me the practical example of this principle from real life.
Student: i love u sir and u love ur daughter which means i love ur daughter.
Math Teacher: If a=b and b=c then a=c, now give me the practical example of this principle from real life.
Student: i love u sir and u love ur daughter which means i love ur daughter.
Friday, October 3, 2008
IRS
At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."
What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."
What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
Anna Lost His Husband
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same–she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit–but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same–she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit–but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Best Break-Up Letter Ever
A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from
his girlfriend back home.
It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us
is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,
since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky..............
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or
ex-girlfriends.
In addition
to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other
pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57
photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to
me.
Take Care,
Ricky
his girlfriend back home.
It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us
is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,
since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky..............
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or
ex-girlfriends.
In addition
to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other
pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57
photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to
me.
Take Care,
Ricky
Several men in the Locker Room
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing The house we wanted last
year is back on the market.They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000"
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are looking at him inastonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is???"
Sunday, September 21, 2008
A Rabbit
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel So good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! ... Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little fucker! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he is on ecstasy!"
Man And His Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Man Crying
A man placed some flowerson the grave of his dearly parted motherand started back toward his carwhen his attention was divertedto another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensityand kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die?Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said,"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,but this demonstration of pain in ismore than I've ever seen before.For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself,then replied"My wife's first husband."
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Gujju...funeral!!!
A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead
mother arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters. The
dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space
left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top
addressed to her brothers and sisters:
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsa,
I am sending Mother's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be
cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I
could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside
the coffin, under Mother's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler
chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you. On Mother's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are
correct.
Mother is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just
distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Mother's is
wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Mother's left
wrist.
Shanta masi, Mother is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you
asked for. Please take them off her.
The 6 white cotton socks that Motheris wearing must be divided among my
nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.
Love Smita
PS: And if anything more required let me know soon as father is also
not feeling too well nowadays...:D
mother arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters. The
dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space
left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top
addressed to her brothers and sisters:
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsa,
I am sending Mother's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be
cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I
could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside
the coffin, under Mother's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler
chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you. On Mother's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are
correct.
Mother is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just
distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Mother's is
wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Mother's left
wrist.
Shanta masi, Mother is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you
asked for. Please take them off her.
The 6 white cotton socks that Motheris wearing must be divided among my
nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.
Love Smita
PS: And if anything more required let me know soon as father is also
not feeling too well nowadays...:D
the cursed prince......!!!
Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.(This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her.
Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily,"My darling,I love you! Will you marry me?"And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said:
......Well, guess what she said ..........
...........well, she said..............
"Pardon?"
Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily,"My darling,I love you! Will you marry me?"And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said:
......Well, guess what she said ..........
...........well, she said..............
"Pardon?"
Thursday, September 11, 2008
John Needs A Job
John needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell John that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.Well, the guy has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.During one such acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and says, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
Two Guys Sitting On A Bar
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool.
One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
The Blonde
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on."I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I Like The Way You Think
Teacher(to Peter) : If there are three birds sitting on a branch and you shoot one how many do you have left?
Peter: You will have none, because when you fire, one dies and the others fly off.
Teacher: The answer is two, but i like the way you think!
Peter(to the teacher): Answer me this. There are three women eating ice cream. One is licking it, one is sucking it and the other is biting it. Which one of the three is married?
Teacher(thinks about it and after a bit answers): Ummm, i think the answer is the woman who is sucking it.
Peter: Actually, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!:
Peter: You will have none, because when you fire, one dies and the others fly off.
Teacher: The answer is two, but i like the way you think!
Peter(to the teacher): Answer me this. There are three women eating ice cream. One is licking it, one is sucking it and the other is biting it. Which one of the three is married?
Teacher(thinks about it and after a bit answers): Ummm, i think the answer is the woman who is sucking it.
Peter: Actually, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!:
Guy Goes Over Friend's House
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Monday, September 8, 2008
TWO STUDENTS MISS A FINAL EXAM
Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the University of Virginia to party with some friends.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virginia for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be an easy final". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tyre?
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virginia for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be an easy final". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tyre?
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Letter to the Widow
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally Typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the mail. Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 16 May 2002
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.I've justreached and have been checked in. I see that everything has beenprepared foryour arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Your Loving Husband
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 16 May 2002
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.I've justreached and have been checked in. I see that everything has beenprepared foryour arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Your Loving Husband
My Ears
A dum guy with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.""Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?""The scoundrel called back."
Mean/Clever Woman
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, She would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down,and then rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't foolenough to put allthat money in there with your husband?" The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him?" "You mean to Tell meyouput that money in the casket with him!!!!? "I sure did" said the wife. "I got itall together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cashit, he can spend it."
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, She would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down,and then rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't foolenough to put allthat money in there with your husband?" The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him?" "You mean to Tell meyouput that money in the casket with him!!!!? "I sure did" said the wife. "I got itall together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cashit, he can spend it."
Mind Your Business
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
Trainee
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee....On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:"You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?""No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down....
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:"You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?""No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down....
Thursday, September 4, 2008
They are stopped by the police
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, will you shut up!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk.
An evil Atheist explorer
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
Getting in an accident
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
Monday, September 1, 2008
Four Million Iraqis
A guy goes into a bar, sees George Bush and Colin Powell slugging down beers in a dark corner. He walks up to them and says "Aren't you the president and secretary of state?"
Bush says "Yes, I'm George Bush, most powerful man on earth, leader of the free world, and this is Colin Powell."
The guy says "Whacha doin in here?"
Bush says "We're celebrating that the war is gonna start and we're gonna kill 4 million Iraquis and one blonde with big boobs."
The guy says "Kill a blonde with big boobs----why?"
Bush turns to Powell and says "See, I told you nobody cares about 4 million Iraquis."
Bush says "Yes, I'm George Bush, most powerful man on earth, leader of the free world, and this is Colin Powell."
The guy says "Whacha doin in here?"
Bush says "We're celebrating that the war is gonna start and we're gonna kill 4 million Iraquis and one blonde with big boobs."
The guy says "Kill a blonde with big boobs----why?"
Bush turns to Powell and says "See, I told you nobody cares about 4 million Iraquis."
Hearing Problem
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the fifth time, chicken!"
The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the fifth time, chicken!"
Friday, August 29, 2008
Bend Over
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was involved with someone else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you £1000 if you will have sex with me", but the girl said "NO".
Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend said "Ask him for £2000. Pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agreed and accepted the proposal.
Half an hour went by and the boyfriend waited and waited for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend called and asked what happened.
She said "The bastard used coins!"
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you £1000 if you will have sex with me", but the girl said "NO".
Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend said "Ask him for £2000. Pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agreed and accepted the proposal.
Half an hour went by and the boyfriend waited and waited for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend called and asked what happened.
She said "The bastard used coins!"
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Eighteen Double Vodkas
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.""Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay".
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.""Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay".
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
A Man In A Bar
Man walks into a bar and asks for a whisky as soon as the bar tender serves him the drink, the man knocks it back in one gulp then askes for another. Again he knocks back the drink, four or five whiskies later the bar tender asks the man why he was drinking so quickly. The man replied 'You would drink quickly if you had what I have'. 'What have you got ?' asked the bar tender. the man replied, ' 50 cents ! '
Good and Bad News
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."
Patient: "Oh no! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??"
Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."
Patient: "Oh no! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??"
Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Laloo In The Bar
At a Bar in New York, the man to Laloo Yadav's left calls up the bartender and says:"JOHNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
The man's companion says to the bartender:JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."The bartender approaches
Laloo and asks, "What about you sir??
"Laloo Replies:"LALOO YADAV, MARRIED!"
The man's companion says to the bartender:JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."The bartender approaches
Laloo and asks, "What about you sir??
"Laloo Replies:"LALOO YADAV, MARRIED!"
To Loss Weight
The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for300 days, he would loose 34 kilos.
At the end of 300 days,
Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had aproblem."What's the problem?"asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home."
At the end of 300 days,
Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had aproblem."What's the problem?"asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home."
Sardars Planting Trees
A passerby watched two sardarjis in a park.One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them inagain.
'Tell me,' said the passerby, 'What on earth are you doing?
''Well,' said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig thehole, Balwant plants the tree saplings and Gurpreet fills in thehole.
Today Balwant is off, because he is ill, but that doesn't meanGurpreet and I get the day off!
'Tell me,' said the passerby, 'What on earth are you doing?
''Well,' said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig thehole, Balwant plants the tree saplings and Gurpreet fills in thehole.
Today Balwant is off, because he is ill, but that doesn't meanGurpreet and I get the day off!
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me."
When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me."
When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Filipino German Pakistani
Filipino, German, PakistaniA Filipino, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.The Pakistani was next up.
After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.
The Filipino was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from one of most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!""Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,"
the Filipino replied."In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.""Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave."
The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face."If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it."And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheik asked.
Filipino smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!!
Three men
Three men, singaporean, japanese and filipino were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
the singaporean pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly."that was my pager" he said,"i have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he expained,"that was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand.
"The filipino felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.The filipino finally ! Said......."ay dios mio, will you look at that?! I'm getting a fax..."
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
The Hypnotist Accident
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings.
One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch.
The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor... "Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch.
The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor... "Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
Heavens Ugliest Women
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate.
St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in.
The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in.
The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
Monday, August 18, 2008
students declaratation at the end of da answr papr:
students declaratn@ d end of da answr papr:
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I HEREBY DECLARE DAT D ANSWERS WRITTEN ABOVE ARE TRUE TO DA BEST OF MINE AND MY FRND'S KNOWLEDGE AND I CLAIM NO RESPONSIBILTY WATSOEVER FOR ANY RESEMBLANCE WID DA SUBJECT MATTER AS IT IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL!!!;)
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I HEREBY DECLARE DAT D ANSWERS WRITTEN ABOVE ARE TRUE TO DA BEST OF MINE AND MY FRND'S KNOWLEDGE AND I CLAIM NO RESPONSIBILTY WATSOEVER FOR ANY RESEMBLANCE WID DA SUBJECT MATTER AS IT IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL!!!;)
Officer cought speeding
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your license and registration?
Driver: I don't have them. It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license and registration?
Driver: Sure. Here they are.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there's a body in it.Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: HA! Oh boy, that's a good one. I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
Officer: May I see your license and registration?
Driver: I don't have them. It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license and registration?
Driver: Sure. Here they are.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there's a body in it.Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: HA! Oh boy, that's a good one. I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
Two men searching for their wife
Two men searching for their lost wives
.1st man: how ur wife look like??
2nd man: tall, beautiful, fair, blue eyes, bold.
What about yours?
1st man: fuck mine let search yours
.1st man: how ur wife look like??
2nd man: tall, beautiful, fair, blue eyes, bold.
What about yours?
1st man: fuck mine let search yours
Santa Singh crying
Banta Singh: (crying) the doctor called, my mother is dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes
Banta Singh cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Banta Singh: my sister just called, her mother died too!
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes
Banta Singh cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Banta Singh: my sister just called, her mother died too!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
George Bush Answering Questions
President Bush went to a school to interact with the children. After having one brief talk with the children he asked them if they had any question to ask him. One boy raised his hand and stood up.
Bush: Whats your name?
John: John
Bush: Whats your question?
John: Sir, I have three questions.
1. Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2. Where is Osama?
3. Why does America support Pakistan so much?
Bush: You are an intelligent student john...
Just then the bell for recess rang.
Bush: Oh dear students we will continue after the recess is over.
After the recess.
Bush: Ok children where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any questions?
Peter raises his hand.
Bush: Whats your name?
Peter: Sir I have 5 questions.
1. Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2. Where is Osama?
3. Why do America support Pakistan so much?
4. Why did recess bell ring 20 mins before the scheduled time?
5. Where is JOHN?
Bush: Whats your name?
John: John
Bush: Whats your question?
John: Sir, I have three questions.
1. Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2. Where is Osama?
3. Why does America support Pakistan so much?
Bush: You are an intelligent student john...
Just then the bell for recess rang.
Bush: Oh dear students we will continue after the recess is over.
After the recess.
Bush: Ok children where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any questions?
Peter raises his hand.
Bush: Whats your name?
Peter: Sir I have 5 questions.
1. Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2. Where is Osama?
3. Why do America support Pakistan so much?
4. Why did recess bell ring 20 mins before the scheduled time?
5. Where is JOHN?
Monday, August 11, 2008
Turn Off That Light
There was a couple that had been married for 20 years, every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she suddenly turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one." She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain about the toy... but first you explain about the kids... "
Sunday, August 10, 2008
I Never Quite Figured Out Why?
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
What Brand Of Condoms Do You Use?
A man is out shopping and discovers a New Brand of Olympic Condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
She asks: "Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours" he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze".
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really? Why dont you wear silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
Monday, August 4, 2008
The First Remote Control Ever Invented
An old, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweller that he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something really special for this lovely lady."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The young lady was absolutely ecstatic.
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated," By cheque. Now, I know you need to make sure the cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account!"
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Sunday, August 3, 2008
How Guys Select The Girl They Want To Marry
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of Strong golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.
Then he married the one with the largest breasts!!
Friday, August 1, 2008
Chevrolet: Robot
A frustrated driver needs to figure out how to stop his car before he can start it.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Boys Will Be Boys
Little Billy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Billy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Billy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Billy, of course, thought he did. Billy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Billy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Billy
Billy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Billy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Billy
Billy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Billy
Billy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.
LETTER 4:
Dear God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Billy
Billy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Billy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Billy's mother thought her plan had worked because Billy looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Billy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Billy began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 5:
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
Management: You Can Run But You Cant Hide
Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were travelling in an autorickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of them died.
Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death. He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN. But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.
Laloo is not at all happy with this decision. He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc. Then why the differential treatment? He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre conceived notions.
Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test.
PVNR is asked to spell "INDIA" and he does it correctly.
Advani is asked to spell " ENGLAND" and he too passes.
It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell " CZECHOSLOVAKIA".
Laloo protests that he doesn't know English. He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.
Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three).
PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily and passes.
Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes.
Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR....."Tough one. He fails again.
Laloo is extremely unhappy. Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't), he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history.
Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests.
PVNR is asked: "When did India get Independence?". He replied "1947" and passed.
Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?". He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000. Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.
It's Laloo's turn now.
Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle.Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.
Moral of the story: IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS NO ESCAPE!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Yoga vs Whiskey
Pic 1: It takes years of practice to do this asana.
Pic 2: It takes only 8 pegs of whiskey to do the above asana.
So why practice. Just have whiskey!
Pic 2: It takes only 8 pegs of whiskey to do the above asana.
So why practice. Just have whiskey!
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